Welcome to a brand-new feature on our blog, exploring the endlessly bizarre world of paperback horror books. They’re always trashy, always flashy, and often hilarious.
Joel: I feel like a sasquatch love story should have a more distinctive title than “Monster.”
Roxie: Clearly this tagline is trying to invoke “King Kong,” but if there’s one thing we need less than tacky taglines, it’s another version of “King Kong!”
Joel: I thought it was trying to play off of “Music tamed the savage beast,” like in the old Warner Bros. cartoons. Like, maybe she plays toccatas for him? Or maybe he does. The reflective sunset suggests he’s working on a concerto and sipping wine while pining for his lost love.
Roxie: He remembers the soft caress of her lovely arms, as he rammed them down his gullet and ate her.
Joel: He’s literally blinded by the light.
Roxie: I’m going to guess he’s a dashing European with a mysterious past and a horrible secret. His secret is….he’s not really a licensed chiropractor.
Joel: She should’ve known when his waiting room magazines were all blank. Not a Highlights for Kids in the bunch.
Roxie: Maybe Goofus and Gallant could explain how to properly kill a vampire.
Joel: “Goofus gives himself a tracheotomy on the way to Dracula’s castle.”
Roxie: “Gallant brings a fat rich guy as bait and tells Dracula to help himself, then murders him.”
Joel: I don’t think that’s the actual title. I think they’re making fun of that poor snake-man’s lisp while he tries to say “perspire.”
Roxie: That looks less like his tongue and more like the outline of a plane landing.
Joel: I thought he was just dowsing for water. An unfinished paperback cover is kind of like a desert.
Roxie: I don’t see much birth, or pyres, but if you look at his nostrils, it looks like they’re the eyes of a smaller snake bursting out of the big snake’s mouth!
Joel: An infinite regression of snakes. Cobra’s finally discovered fractal technology.
“YOURS TRULY, FROM HELL”
Joel: I’m more concerned about that blurb writer than Jack the Ripper. Why is he checking his steak knives? WHERE HAS HIS WIFE GONE.
Roxie: “BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! With your purchase of these amaaaazing Ginsu Steak Knives owned by JACK THE RIPPER, you’ll receive at an all-time low price of 43.95, actual possession by Jack’s spirit! Just keep track of all those knives!” Aaaannnd there goes that guy’s wife.
Joel: Jack’s spirit looks more like an art major’s spray tag. The Lady in Red there looks more ghostly. I don’t know what Kneeling Robert Hays is going to make of this crime scene.
Roxie: I love when we see one time period’s version of another. This is a very 80’s look at the gaslight era, from that cover font to the hair and “Halloween costume” getup of the Lady in Red.
Joel: That font is pure Lifetime Network. It makes me want to see the Victorian era’s take on 80s social scare thrillers. Steampunk Seduction: His Secret Bolts.
Joel: Rarely, but sometimes, the cover’s not as good as the book. We’d be remiss in not showing you the greatest opening sentence we’ve ever seen.
Roxie: Thumbs up if you read this in the voice of Garth Marenghi.